And The Train Left...

Recently I was left behind on a subway station when the train door closed while my husband had stepped in. I gestured to him that I'll stay where I was. We were in a foreign country with no friends or relatives. No one spoke English or our language and we did not know their's either. Our destination was at least twenty plus stations away with an exchange of trains in between and I did not want to get lost.

I turned and eagerly watched the oncoming trains, waiting for my husband to come fetch me. While standing there I remembered another incident many years ago...

I was in fifth grade and visiting my uncle with my family in Europe when the same thing happened. Everyone was inside when the train door closed. I saw my uncle's hand trying to convey a message. I did not understand what he was trying to say. I had two options. Go or stay! I was very familiar with the route, a fact that my uncle also knew quite well. I could easily reach the destination. Was that what my uncle was trying to say? Follow them in the next train? Or did he want me to stay put? I had no idea. I almost felt like getting into the next train but something in my heart said that they would come back and fetch me. I know my family. The thought of not going back was something they would not harbor and sure shot, right there was my uncle coming out of the next train. Everyone else waited at the next stop while he returned to come escort me. I felt so secure knowing my instincts were right and joy coursed through my veins at seeing the relief on the faces of my family as they saw me disembark from that train with my uncle. I can never forget that experience.

I could still smile remembering that childhood moment as I stood there waiting for my husband but I felt very out of place in that foreign land by myself. My eyes searched impatiently the sea of unfamiliar faces coming out of the sliding doors to find that one familiar face. I felt such surge of love for my husband that I was quite sure I'd run into his arms the minute I'd see him. I looked frantically at each emerging face in both directions from every approaching train. Time seemed to lengthen and then drag. I lost count of the number of trains after a while ...but there was no sign of him.

Finally it dawned on me that he was not coming back thinking that I would follow him by a train. The novelty of the idea felt like a punch. I could not digest the fact that he would do so and more than that it was so beyond my own comprehension. So many years and still we did not understand each other's signals! By that time forty five minutes had elapsed and I knew that he would be about to reach the destination. I had a cell phone but he never carries one. What if I started and he decided to return after realizing that I had not followed? Again, I had to decide what to do! I opted to wait. It seemed a much safer alternative.

I finally sat down on a chair with my aching legs. My phone rang. It was his colleague calling to find out where I was. He had called her from the destination using a phone booth, asking her to call me! To make it short, a couple of more phone calls from her and we decided that I'd stay there while he'd come fetch me.

My feelings had a roller coaster ride while I tried to keep a grip on myself as I sat there waiting for him, mentally and emotionally exhausted. The initial surge of love had turned to bewilderment which gave way to astonishment, anger, rage, disappointment, loneliness and finally the worst of them all, self pity. My whole life with my husband flashed through my mind in those two hours with special focus on disappointments. I had much difficulty remembering the jolly times in those moments.

It was not a very big or unusual incident but the timing, place and my own ability to misjudge the situation unnerved me. I thought of some other times and it appeared to me as if my life was like a train passing through a long black tunnel, so long that no light appeared at the end. I felt really down and let down but then I remembered that I had crossed many such tunnels and there was always an exit from each one. Life is a train ride with changing scenery at every moment and yes there are dark tunnels and passages but what really matters is the ride. With all our misunderstandings, differences and let downs what really mattered at the end was that we cared, we loved and we were committed to that love. The love mattered! The commitment mattered and WE mattered to each other! The rest was trivial.

I did run into his arms when he finally arrived there after more than two hours!