Aloha Hawaii

The first week of May and Asian Pacific term always reminds me of my first trip to Hawaii. Congress passed a joint Congressional Resolution in 1978 to commemorate Asian/Pacific American Heritage Week during the first week of May. During my trip, I observed the Hawaiians trying to preserve their customs & culture as proud Americans. It resonated with my own struggle as a first generation immigrant. The beauty of United States is her people that came here from different backgrounds. Whether someone is a first generation immigrant like me or a child or a grandchild of one, the truth is that majority of us bring something unique from other cultures from where we or our forefathers migrated. 

In Hawaii, as I enjoyed the carefree native Aloha culture and heard the folk stories, it dawned on me that there is always a certain pride in sticking to the roots. We are all Americans in the United States but people from different countries form their own groups. In cosmopolitan cities, there are areas that are like mini China, Italy or India, etc. For example, there is an area in Queens NY called Jackson Height where everyone walks on the streets wearing Pakistani/Indian outfits. The songs blaring out of shops and cars on those streets are all Urdu / Indian songs. Even the signs are in Urdu or Hindi. In LA, in some areas, Spanish is spoken more fluently than English itself!

People have this tendency to form homogenous clusters within societies. It's said that birds of the same feathers flock together. Same way, people with similarities tend to bond together. These groups not only bring similar people closer but also provide opportunities for diverse groups to learn about each others. Variety is the spice of life and we are lucky to have this global variety in the United States. 

The ethnic variety was quite prominent in Honolulu where Americans from all States flock to vacation along with tourists from around the world. It is a dream destination for many but I was somewhat disappointed in Honolulu. Yes, it was very scenic with abundant greenery and beautiful beaches but it was way too commercialized for my taste. To me, it looked like any other beautiful, modern and well developed coastal beach city with all the facilities and provisions. The Hawaiian culture was only visible and contained in the theme parks like Polynesian cultural Village. The native Hawaiians worked everywhere as tour guides wearing minimal clothing. The Native Hawaiians were very proud of their bulky bodies and tour guides made snide jokes about skinny girls starving to look like Hollywood models.

The land is extremely expensive and mostly owned or rented by celebrities in Honolulu. Almost everything is imported from outside in Hawaii. Nothing much is exported from there except Pineapples. A trip to Dole plantation is a must for all tourists. For the first time in my life I saw Pineapple gardens and learnt that pineapples don't grow on trees.

Pearl Harbor is a major attraction with historical significance. Following the overthrow of the Hawaiian Kingdom, the United States Navy established a base on the island in 1899. Pearl Harbor was attacked by Japan on Sunday, December 7, 1941 which brought the United States into World War II. 

One also has to dine on one of many boats and ships that offer the evening and night time tours. Watching the dolphins play in the Pacific waters while dining and enjoying the native music is indeed an experience to remember and so is Luau.

There are flowers everywhere and everyone loves to wear those Hawaiian garlands but be careful how you wear a flower in your hair. Hawaiian women wear flowers in their hair to indicate whether they are with someone or not. They wear the flower on the left side if they are married or hooked up with some one. Wearing the flower on the right side means that they are single and looking for someone. Makes one wonder if someone wearing flowers on both sides means that she is with someone but still looking?

Tourists love Honolulu but I personally think that there is way too much hype about the island. Hollywood and celebrities have invested highly in the place which has artificially hiked up price of everything over there. One can easily find other beaches which are equally eloquent in beauty and grandeur but easily affordable in other parts of the world. The reason I felt like that about Honolulu was because I saw a lot of human imprint everywhere. Fortunately my disappointment turned to elation when I flew from Honolulu to Big Island and discovered the natural treasures.

In contrast to Honolulu, Big Island is one island in Hawaii that I will highly recommend visiting. It is worth all the expenses and the trip. Unlike Honolulu, Big Island is not commercialized and all efforts have been made to retain it's natural beauty. It is a small island and the whole island can easily be seen within a day by car but it's majesty demands more time and stay. The uniqueness of Big Island lies in its live volcanos that still spew molten lava intermittently. As a matter of fact, we were unable to venture into some parts because some fresh hot lava had flown over the roads in that area which was then closed off to the public.

There is a lush green thick tropical forest with waterfalls on Big Island and within a few miles distance, there are huge giant volcanic craters, both inspiring entirely different sorts of awe. Right under the tropical forest, there are hollow lava tunnels. These lava tunnels are formed when river of lava starts cooling off and walls and ceiling builds around it. Caves are formed where liquid lava completely cools off and stops flowing downhill. These caves have ceilings that might be a few feet or many miles thick. Standing underground, in one of those dark tunnels with polished walls, one has difficulty imagining the thick tropical forest that grows some yards or at other places miles above, on the ground outside, with thick foliage and exotic habitat.

The black sand beaches and giant turtles of Big Island have witnessed many honeymooners swoon over their beauty over the passage of time. Still, not many tourists choose Big Island as their destination when planning a visit to Hawaii. They avoid it for the same reason for which it is my favorite place and that is the Big Island's lack of modernization. What it offers, no other place does and to preserve this uniqueness, one has to sacrifice the facilities. Not that there are none! There is everything available but contained. 

Mother Nature rules in her most natural form in Big Island. She shows her fangs when she vents out vicious red lava flames but also shows her gentleness when she dances as serene white clouds on the enchanting clear waters. She roars and hisses in the puffs of volcanoes and smiles and sings in the melodies of the exotic species of birds. She is beautiful in every form and this beauty remains mostly untarnished by the hands of humans in Big Island.

Crowd of Strangers around me...

I love being part of a sea of human faces.
Many abhor the idea of being in congested crowds. They feel suffocated among strangers but not me, I love crowds.

Even in those moments when I have felt very out of place, there has always been a sense of belonging. In that way, I have never, really ever felt completely out of place or detached from anywhere. One of the main reasons that I've always found any corner of the world very welcoming and comfortable.

I love people. I love them as my fellow human beings. To me, we are all connected and impact each other's lives with every decision, action and step we take. This sense of connectivity makes me comfortable with other humans. It does not matter whether I speak their language or share their culture or not because humanity has it's own code and a way of communication. 

Complete strangers may wish you a good day and smile at you like in America or they may give you a stern stare in return of your own smile like in Western Europe. They may shy away like in Indian sub continent or giggle awkwardly like in China....they all may act very differently, yet there are some very basic social and ethical human codes that everyone understands. A genuine smile, a rude tone, a lustful stare, a snobbish air, etc. are understood and recognized across nations. We are never complete strangers because familiarity is always an introduction or a stare away.

It fascinates me being in a crowd among strangers. Not only I feel as if I'm a wave in the ocean but also I feel something way more powerful. That is the time when I become very conscious of my own faith and belief!

The only One who is closest to me in a crowd of strangers is my God. I put complete faith in Him in those moments. Not that I intentionally put myself at risk, but I know that He is the One who has created everyone and will look after each under all circumstances. He has a plan for everyone. I look at uncountable faces around me and marvel at the creativity of my Lord who created such fine species and then granted it the ability to make decisions that form destinies. I shudder at the painful reality of how some abuse this ability to torture, degrade, insult or suppress other creations including fellow humans, but at the same time I am impressed by the achievements, advancements and discoveries of others.

I feel, yet fail to fathom the full extent of the impact of all those strangers on my own life. I know their lives are joined with mine like waves are connected in an ocean. Of course I would and could never know each one, yet, I share that moment with them by being present, breathing and coexisting right then and there.

Unpredictability in life

Recently my well water changed its chemical composition and we were told that no equipment in the market can clean it. While the water purification company tried different tests and finding solutions, we struggled with the dire situation at hand. Washing laundry and dishes was and is out of question and so is cooking. Taking shower has became an issue. All that aside, number one concern was and is the water pipes in the house. The water ph level is so dangerously low that an extended exposure would make pores in copper pipes.

It's more than two weeks and we still haven't found a solution so far. Most probably, we will have to dig a new well which might take some time. First someone needs to do a survey and then find the spot to start the process. Even then, there is no guarantee that the new well will be any different than the existing one. We are hoping and praying for a speedy solution where the company won't have to dig too deep and would find a source of clean water or better yet to be able to come up with an easy solution.

Going through this phase and dealing with the situation, made me think of a lot of things. First of all, of how easily we take things for granted in life. Secondly, no matter how unexpected or difficult a situation, life goes on. One learns to improvise. We don't even know how we are going to react or cope with an unexpected situation until and unless we have to face it.

No one in my neighborhood is facing this problem. The water purification company regularly checks our water. They told us that our water composition dramatically changed over night and there is absolutely no obvious reason or clue for that. It's like our house alone was chosen by UFO's to experiment.

This is the unpredictability in life. Things happen out of nowhere. It is a proof of how nothing is under our control. People often try to find logic and reasoning for everything and in most cases they succeed but in some scenarios, there is simply no explanation or in other words, we fail to find one. Whether we find an answer or not, one thing remains certain. Everything is in Almighty's control. Nothing is in our hands. All we can do is try our best to cope with the situation by using the abilities and resources that He has bestowed upon us.

Nothing can change a thing that is destined to happen and nothing can make it happen if it's not meant to happen. He gave us life, abilities, resources and the facilities. Ups and downs, ease and difficulty,  joy and sadness are part of life. It's how we respond, react and live through a phase that define us as a person. Forgetting the Almighty in bliss and giving up in hardship is very easy. The real task in life is to always remember our place. This life is a gift from Him and we are simply steward(ess)es on earth.

Live a life

She taught me how to be grateful in life.
She was the most miserable woman I ever met. Life had dealt her a harsh hand but at the same time she was saved and blessed many times over. My heart bled for her pain and loss but more for her inability to count her blessings.
I observed her dwell in misery. She looked very lonely to me in her own selfish world in life and later died an unhappy person. Her memory always makes me think of what could have been!
She could've come out of self pity and found bliss in things that she already had.
She could've channelled her own vulnerable emotions into empathy and become more compassionate towards others.....but, alas, she did not choose to do any such thing.
All she did was focus on what was denied to her in life and that made her a very bitter person.
She gave me a lesson by her example.
She taught me to be wary of self pity. It's a quicksand that sucks one in.

People forget to see beyond their own selves in pain. Self pity and self misery come easy but are hard to overcome. A person blinded by such emotions cannot listen to logic or reasoning and no one can put sense into such a person except self help. A willingness and internal effort are needed to break free of this trap. No one's life is perfect. To each individual, their set of problems seem huge but it's all about perception. People perceive their own hardships as gigantic but tend to reduce others' in magnitude. They compare their lives with the ones they believe to be better and waste lives envying them. Comparison and envy breed self pity. Religion and faith systems try to teach contentment and hope that bring peace.

Happiness is a learned attitude either learned growing up or self taught by wisdom and thought process. Lucky are the ones who grow up in an environment that teaches appreciation of life, relations and gratitude. Such people grow up with an internal peace that keeps them anchored throughout life, but such environment is no guarantee of a cheerful disposition as sometimes very complex people emerge out of very positive households too. But generally, a good moral environment does produce positive effects.

A mature person is a combination of childhood influences, personality traits and personal choices. A mature, rational person is open to learning and improvement at any age in life and learns by observation while benefiting from the experiences of others.  Wisdom teaches one that counting the blessings at every step ensures happiness in life. Looking at the less fortunate brings gratitude and helping others grants satisfaction.

Have you ever seen devoted volunteers? They have a tranquility in their hearts because they rise above themselves and reach out to others in need. Caring for others is a priceless joy. It lends purpose to life and fill the heart of helper and receiver with contentment and gratitude.

Go an extra mile

Be grateful in life ....the change you put aside as nothing might be everything for someone else.
Try going an extra mile whenever stretching your hand because what you got was also given to you by the One who created everyone.

This incident took place in my childhood but I remember it like yesterday. I remember how touched my father was. He said that the joy on that child's face was priceless!

Time and life has taught me to accept situations and recognize limitations while exerting my best to correct whatever little is in my power. Even helping a single person makes a difference. Similarly doing a little bit extra is also important. Remember the joy we feel when we win something unexpectedly. No one can put a price on such a joy. Now imagine being the source of such joy in someone else's life!....what a blessing it would be!

A choking joy!

The room is crowded with the overjoyed faces. Faces beaming with smiles and joy. All trying to outdo each other congratulating me. I, myself feel like the luckiest person on earth with happiness but then what is this choking feeling in my throat? I close my eyes and tears slip out...

Flash back.....I'm in the exact same situation three years back but the difference is that I am absolutely alone in the room trying to control my emotions. I'm extremely happy but there is a choking feeling in my throat! I close my eyes and tears slip out...

Three years ago, no one came to the hospital to congratulate me on the birth of my daughter. My parents came and my father waited outside in the waiting area. I was completely alone in the room when my father went to bring my younger sisters while mom stepped outside to call and inform my husband. He had sent me two weeks earlier to my parents place asking to inform him after delivery.

I knew that he was disappointed. He wanted a son. His parents had acted as if I had ceased to exist after we disclosed the results of the ultrasound to them. His younger sisters got the clue and followed their parents attitude. My husband wasn't happy either but was polite enough not to ignore me. As a matter of fact, he drove me a few times to the obstetric clinic for my appointments as well.

He loved his daughter upon seeing her. He hugged her gently and said to me,"Don't worry, God willing, the next one will be a boy!".

Next year, ultrasound revealed that it was yet another girl! We drove in deep silence all the way home. He did not say a single word when his mom asked him about the visit, instead threw an accusing look at me and went in the study. She understood because with a big sigh she turned on her heels and went inside her room. I stood there in the living room like a criminal who had just committed the crime of her life.

I did not understand his attitude. Didn't he, as a doctor himself, knew that gender was determined by male chromosome. We had both learned it in medical school where we studied as class mates before I married him and put my studies on hold to bear him children while he successfully finished his. Why was he throwing me those accusing glances that made me feel guilty?

My husband did come around after a few days and said to me, "It was God's will but third time's a charm! God willing, we will have a boy next time".

The second pregnancy and delivery was extremely difficult. I felt like I had no energy left afterwards. I told my husband to wait a few years before trying for a boy but he gave me an ultimatum. I was free to leave his house if I did not want to bear his children. I was shocked, he apologized later but the seed of fear was planted. I could not imagine a life without him and within weeks I was ready with his third daughter.

Life is a blur after we came to know that it was a girl third time around. I lived like a zombie, too numb to feel anything. I was emotionally and mentally exhausted. I did not feel anything even when I conceived the fourth time. I watched the fear on my parents faces and the concern in my younger sisters' eyes with a blank. I could not hear whatever my husband mumbled and I had stopped getting chills by his relatives's behaviors a long time ago.

I did not care any more. Nothing mattered except taking care of my daughters. They were precious to me. They were pieces of my heart. I existed for them.

I was sure I had a fourth girl so I did not inquire about the gender of the child. No one came to the hospital except my mom. After long agonizing hours, I gave birth to a boy and by the time I was shifted to the recovery room, every close relative had arrived at the hospital!

Present....I don't need to open my eyes to see the joy that has filled the hospital room. My room is brimming with flower arrangements and happy people. My in laws have hugged me many times over. My mother in law has planted many kisses on my forehead. My husband cannot stop grinning and after a very very long time I've seen my parents sit upright as if a weight has been shifted from their shoulders. All this is making me very happy as well but.....why do I feel like a dagger is stabbed & stuck in my heart?

Beware of thy FRIENEMIES

Frienemies!
The backstabbing friends we all have!

Frienemies are more common among girls than boys. It's not that men don't back bite, back stab or play Judas, it's just that girls are more into it. Don't get me wrong and hold your horses before you jump into that heated argument.

Men and women are both, equally capable of any sort of human emotion and reaction. They share similar feelings and sentiments. I'm not stereotyping but trying to state a general observation. In my personal opinion, there is more betrayal among girl friends than boy friends and the basic reason is insecurity.

Today's woman is more independent, aware, and knowledgeable yet still very insecure. This insecurity is inherent in her nature. She has a history of suppression that puts her forever on guard and then there is her physicality.

Women's biology assigns that insecurity. The ticking clock is a reality more dominant in woman's world and men don't waste any opportunity to remind them of this eminent threat.

In the past, women were insecure because they were dependents. Men abused their financial hold on them. Patriarchal societies treated them like commodities with no brains. The so called women liberation in the recent past has brought in equal opportunities for education, work and independence everywhere but has increased the pressures many folds.

No matter how educated, advanced in her career or financially secure a woman might be, she always yearn for emotional security. In general, this security comes in the form of a man in her life. Nature made her and him that way! Nature prepares the girl and the boy for a sexual relationship at puberty for the sake of reproduction. We, humans like to mess up with nature and her rules. Physically, boys and girls are ready but societies are not. The society rules that they are not mature enough to handle responsibility. They should first finish their education, find a job, get established and then settle down. By the time they are ready to settle down, the women can clearly hear that ticking sound.

Denying the nature messes up everything. Frustrations arise in societies that look down or enforce laws against sexual freedom. In such societies women are usually repressed and boys are cut slack as they need to find some "relief". Finding a husband is still the number one priority for every Eastern woman till date. Social dramas develop as women try to hold reins of the men in their lives in the roles of mothers, sisters, daughters, wives etc.

The fate of Western women wasn't much different till recently. The much touted women liberation movement was based on the invention of contraceptives and brought sexual freedom. New doors opened to self expression and exertion but all this led to new problems. Wide spread STDs, teenage pregnancies and sexual experimentation set aside, the biggest issue is the sense of responsibility that marriage brings in a sexual relationship which got compromised in all this hype. The girls want steady relationships and a life partner by their nature but boys don't want to settle down. In retaliation, the latest trend among women is to deny this natural tendency altogether. Many do not want to be bound to one or by marriage. But deep down they know that something is amiss, something is not natural.

These pressures and frustrations make women insecure and this insecurity is the root cause of all back stabbing. It brings out the defensiveness that lashes out for self protection.