Flash back.....I'm in the exact same situation three years back but the difference is that I am absolutely alone in the room trying to control my emotions. I'm extremely happy but there is a choking feeling in my throat! I close my eyes and tears slip out...
Three years ago, no one came to the hospital to congratulate me on the birth of my daughter. My parents came and my father waited outside in the waiting area. I was completely alone in the room when my father went to bring my younger sisters while mom stepped outside to call and inform my husband. He had sent me two weeks earlier to my parents place asking to inform him after delivery.
I knew that he was disappointed. He wanted a son. His parents had acted as if I had ceased to exist after we disclosed the results of the ultrasound to them. His younger sisters got the clue and followed their parents attitude. My husband wasn't happy either but was polite enough not to ignore me. As a matter of fact, he drove me a few times to the obstetric clinic for my appointments as well.
He loved his daughter upon seeing her. He hugged her gently and said to me,"Don't worry, God willing, the next one will be a boy!".
Next year, ultrasound revealed that it was yet another girl! We drove in deep silence all the way home. He did not say a single word when his mom asked him about the visit, instead threw an accusing look at me and went in the study. She understood because with a big sigh she turned on her heels and went inside her room. I stood there in the living room like a criminal who had just committed the crime of her life.
I did not understand his attitude. Didn't he, as a doctor himself, knew that gender was determined by male chromosome. We had both learned it in medical school where we studied as class mates before I married him and put my studies on hold to bear him children while he successfully finished his. Why was he throwing me those accusing glances that made me feel guilty?
My husband did come around after a few days and said to me, "It was God's will but third time's a charm! God willing, we will have a boy next time".
The second pregnancy and delivery was extremely difficult. I felt like I had no energy left afterwards. I told my husband to wait a few years before trying for a boy but he gave me an ultimatum. I was free to leave his house if I did not want to bear his children. I was shocked, he apologized later but the seed of fear was planted. I could not imagine a life without him and within weeks I was ready with his third daughter.
Life is a blur after we came to know that it was a girl third time around. I lived like a zombie, too numb to feel anything. I was emotionally and mentally exhausted. I did not feel anything even when I conceived the fourth time. I watched the fear on my parents faces and the concern in my younger sisters' eyes with a blank. I could not hear whatever my husband mumbled and I had stopped getting chills by his relatives's behaviors a long time ago.
I did not care any more. Nothing mattered except taking care of my daughters. They were precious to me. They were pieces of my heart. I existed for them.
I was sure I had a fourth girl so I did not inquire about the gender of the child. No one came to the hospital except my mom. After long agonizing hours, I gave birth to a boy and by the time I was shifted to the recovery room, every close relative had arrived at the hospital!
Present....I don't need to open my eyes to see the joy that has filled the hospital room. My room is brimming with flower arrangements and happy people. My in laws have hugged me many times over. My mother in law has planted many kisses on my forehead. My husband cannot stop grinning and after a very very long time I've seen my parents sit upright as if a weight has been shifted from their shoulders. All this is making me very happy as well but.....why do I feel like a dagger is stabbed & stuck in my heart?
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